now you can be right wherever you are.

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"


Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean? * NEW - Different colour from previous design. * ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. * FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. * ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. * REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. * YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. * MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix. * MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. * SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell. * Link:


Getting Rid of Things Not Worth Keeping Around the House? * From a church bulletin: "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."


Acts 2.38 ? An elderly woman had just returned home from an evening church service when she realized there was an intruder in her home. Seeing that he was in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, the lady yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!" Hearing her, the burglar stopped dead in his tracks and stood motionless. The woman calmly called the police and explained what was going on. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a Bible verse at you." "Bible verse?" said the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"


Butterfly: Flutter-by, Flutter-by - or Fly on Butter ? Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious. The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by." "Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "mariposa". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!" "Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!" At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?" ***


How Would You Cure Your Employee's Cold ? A man calls his boss and tells him he’s got a splitting headache and a bad cold, so he’ll have to miss work. The boss, interested in making their performance figures for the quarter, pushes his employee to come in despite his condition. “Here’s what I always do,” the boss says. “I head home and have my wife pour me a bath, the hottest I can stand. I get into the bath and have her gently wash me with a sponge while I sip on some tea. Once she finishes, I then take her to the bedroom and make love to her. After that, I feel like a million bucks!” “Okay,” his employee says. “I’ll give it a shot.” Just after lunch, the employee walks into work. The boss walks over to his desk, smiling smugly. “I told you,” says the boss. “You were so right,” the employee responds. “That worked like a charm. Oh, and you have a NICE house!”


Shingles A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" Link:


About Being Sorry * A secretary is informing her boss about an unexpected visitor during his absence: - "Sir, a stranger dropped by while you were out and wanted to see you." - The boss: - "And what did he want?" - The secretary: - "He wanted to smash your face." - The boss: - "Oh, hell! And what did you tell him"? - The secretary: - "That, I was so sorry that you were not in!"


A boss, worrying about his head engineer's unusual absence, tried to reach him by phone at his home. To the surprise of the boss, a child answered. - "May I speak with your daddy?" But the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he is busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now startled. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The searching team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me. *** Link:


The Top 10 Signs You're Eating Genetically Modified Food: * 10. Your green beans are attempting a split flanking maneuver on your clearly surprised mashed potatoes. 9. Whenever Gallagher appears on TV, your watermelon leaps up, grabs the remote and shuts off the set. 8. It tastes the same, but now the asparagus leaves your bathroom smelling...[Show All] April fresh. 7. You use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your kid's room. 6. The label says that your buffalo chicken wings are made from REAL flying bison. 5. An apple a day... cures leukemia. 4. Family of seven, one turkey yet everyone gets a drumstick. 3. Your Ginsu knives are suddenly afraid of the tomatoes. 2. Chocchini: Looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding-Dong. -- ... and the #1 Sign You're Eating Genetically Modified Food: 1. A SWAT team is ordering the Chalupa to drop *you*. [CLICK ON SOURCE] [Show Less]


NEW THREAD: Rhyming Words in Alphabetical Order Can you find a rhyme to a given word? Try and then propose a word of your choice to the next player, starting with the letter following (alphabetically) that of the given word. Your rhyme to the given word can start with any alphabetical letter. Examples: 1) Starting with A: Arrival (rhyming with Survival, or Archival); 2) Continuing with B (given word for the following user): Beach (rhyming with Teach, or Peach, Reach, etc. 3) Continuing with C (given word for the following user): Cheer (rhyming with Sheer, etc.) ... Thank you for up-voting and/or up-loving the previous user(s). *Old thread link below in explanation*


How About a Balloon Flight ? * A pilot of a hot air balloon lost his orientation and lowered his flight level to about 10 m above the ground, when he saw a woman down there. He called and asked: - "Excuse me, Lady, can you tell me where I am? I promised to a friend to meet him in an hour, and I need to know my exact position." - The woman on the ground answers: - "You are in a dirigable at a height of 10 m above the ground, 40 to 41 degrees North latitude and 73 to 74 degrees West longitude." - The pilot: - "You must be an engineer". - - "You are right" says the woman, "but how did you know?" - The pilot: - "Well, everything you said is, technically, correct, but I have no idea about how to use your information, and, actually, I still don't know where I am. To be honest, you could not help me further, and all you did was to delay my flight." - The woman: - "So, you must be a CEO." - The pilot: - "True, but how do you know that?" - The woman: - "That is easy; you don't know where you are and where you are going. A big air mass has carried you to your present position. You made a promise, but you have no idea about how to keep it, and you expect the people under your level to solve your problems. As a matter of fact, you are still in the same situation as before we met, except that now, you are blaming me for your problem." - * Link:


Room Neighbours * Donald McDonald, a young student of pure Scottish stock, had to leave his home town, so as to continue his further education in a renown London university. After his first month at the university, his worrying mother made the trip to London and came to see him in his small on-campus room. - Mother: "Donald, dear, how are you getting along with your English fellow students? - "Oh Mum, they are absolutely rude, overly noisy and tactless. Every evening, my neighbour in the room on the right is banging his head "like crazy" against the wall. And my neighbour in the room on the left doesn't stop yelling and howling all the time!" - "My poor, poor darling Donald! How can you support these ill-mannered English neighbours? You didn't do anything wrong, didn't you?" - "But Mum, I didn't do anything; all I could do is to ignore them and just sit calmly on my bed, playing my bagpipe." (click on source)

1 Comment

To all Amiriters : * Say hello to a new member, although, some here might remember, that behind the "highland ranger", a friend hides behind the "stranger"! * Welcome, MoutainMan!


Dawn and resurrection are synonymous. The reappearance of the light is the same as the survival of the soul (Victor Hugo, Les misérables) (-26)

Agree (3) | Disagree (29)

Happy Easter to All! Easter is meant to be a symbol of hope, renewal, and new life. (Janine di Giovanni)


- Taxi Driver - A taxi company in Paris receives, very early in the morning, a phone call from a client who needs at once a taxi to go to the airport. He waits and waits, but no taxi shows. After more than half an hour waiting, he calls again the taxi company. The telephone operator tells him that the taxi is on its way. But after another 15 minutes, as the taxi is still not there, the client calls the taxi company for the third time, yelling at the operator: "I need the taxi at once! My flight is SEBENA 714, for Sydney, and the plane takes off in (less than) 30 minutes!" The operator: "I am sorry; your taxi should be there in some seconds now. But don't worry, you won't miss this plane, because it is always late." The client: "Of course that this plane will be late, at least today, because I am the pilot!" - Link: (translated) -


- Do You Tell the Truth in Church ? - *********** - "Mark 17" - ***** A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." **************** - Link: -


Good morning, good morning, Amiriters! Great news: there are still some unknown "critters", it won't help much to order two "Bitters", or to compete with witty hairsplitters and to go through a bout of the jitters; just activate your neurotransmitters, relax and enjoy a wave of titters: PLEASE CLICK ON SOURCE


Do You Remember the Chapters of Your Bible? ********** "Mark 17" A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ************ Link:


FORWARDS OR BACKWARDS? ******* The Funny Tale of O'Malley and the Scuba Diver Even though O'Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer to a question that had annoyed him for decades. Here it is. Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend Murphy, 'Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?' To which Murphy replies, 'If they fell forwards they'd still be in the flippin' boat.' Link:


BEER OR NO BEER ? ******** After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." ******** Link:


Big Trouble ******************** A: I'm in a big trouble! B: Why is that? A: I saw a mouse in my house! B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap. A: I don't have one. B: Well then, buy one. A: Can't afford one. B: I can give you mine if you want. A: That sounds good. B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap. A: I don't have any cheese. B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap. A: I don't have oil. B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread. A: I don't have bread. B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?! Submitted by: Genti Biraci


Strange Laws - Facts or Fiction? Strange Laws - Facts or Fiction? 1. You can be arrested or fined for harassing Bigfoot (Washington) 2. It’s against the law for a woman to drive a car in Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag (Waynesboro, Virginia) 3. If you have mustaches, it’s illegal for you to kiss a woman (Eureka, Nevada) 4. If you are found stealing soap, you must wash yourself until the bar of soap has been completely used up (Arizona) 5. A motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town (Washington) 6. It’s illegal for a man to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs (22.5 kg) (Idaho) 7. In San Antonio, flirting is against the law (Texas) 8. It’s illegal to attend a public event or use public transport within 4 hours of eating an onions or garlic (Indiana) 9 .You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday (Washington) 10. You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit (Wyoming) 11. Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama) Link:


Who Likes (or Doesn't Like) St. Valentine's Day? There are many stories and myths about this special day: A VERY HAPPY AND BLESSED ST. VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL !


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