now you can be right wherever you are.

Driving the Car Out? * The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. “It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.” * Link:


Little Kids * Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why? Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words. * Link:


About Heredity * Heredity: everyone believes in it until their children act like fools! * Link:


Family or Musical Records? * A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme ?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.” * Link:


Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? * A: I don’t know son, I m still paying for it. * Link:


Not an Early Bird ? * Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used to be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England. * Link:


Where's the Baby? * For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!” * Link:


Not the Student's Fault ? * Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband, “How did Greg do on his history exam?” “Oh, not so good,” he replied. “But it wasn’t his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born!” * Link:


Wishing All a Happy, Smiling Valentine's Day ! * Ready for a Joke ? * Man: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack. I don't have a mansion like Russell. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you." Woman: "Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?" *** Link:


Dad's Fault ? * At dinner, Seth said to his father, “Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it’s all your fault.” “How’s that?” asked the master of the house. “Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?” “Yeah, I remember.” “Well, a helluva lot ain’t the right answer.” * Link:


Hearing Problems ? * Honey, said Mrs. Beldon to her husband, “Lester’s teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia.” “Encyclopedia, my eye!” exclaimed Beldon. “Let him walk to school like I did.” * Link:


School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it. *** Link:


No longer a child? * Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o'clock.” She said, “But Father, I'm no longer a child!” He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.” * Link:


Goin' bananas? * First witch: Here's a banana if you can spell it. * Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don't know when to stop. *** Link:


How do you spell wrong? * - R?o?n?g? - That's wrong. That's what you asked for, isn't it? * Link:


Do You Know How to Pray ? * As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short." * Link:


How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. *** Link:


A Wrong Answer? * While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help. "The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’" "Monogamy," he answered. * Link:


Weather Forecast for Vacation ? * Vacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast. It read: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55. * Link:


Where's the Luggage? * A woman goes to check in at an airport. She goes up to the lady at the counter and says: "I want you to send one bag to Miami, one to Los Angeles, and one to Minneapolis." The ticket lady replies: "But we can't do that!" The passenger says back: "But you did last time!" * Link:


Hurt yourself ? (French/English) - Sent by Louis * I teach French to adults. When one of them sneezed, I challenged the group to tell me the French for "Bless you!". One enthusiastic student immediately said, "Blessez-vous !" ("Hurt yourself!"). Full marks for imagination, but not quite the thing that I would like wished upon me!? * Link:


Champion or Mushroom? * Misunderstandings and False Friends (English/French) * I get confused over the French word for champion, le champion and the French word for mushroom, le champignon. While on a trip to France I was playing boule. I won and ended up embarrasing myself by saying 'I am the mushroom'. *** (Sent by: David) ... Link:


A Suitable Size? * For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?" "Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job. * Link:


Inappropriate Business ? * Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES - $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER - $50.00." * Link:


Terrible History? * France was in a very serious state. ... The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. ... The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. ... During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. ... The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. ... Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. ... He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. * Link:


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