Amirite?
now you can be right wherever you are.

Who Is the Strongest ? * A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?" The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!" The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?" * Link: http://jokes4all.net/car-jokes


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Ready Answers ? * A customer at a supermarket asked Ranjeet, the shelf packer if he could buy half a cucumber. Ranjeet, went to his boss and told him: "There is an idiot who wants 1/2 a cucumber". Unfortunately the customer had followed him and was standing right behind him. When Ranjeet realised this, he quickly added "Oh and this gentleman wants the other 1/2". Later the boss said he was very impressed by his fast thinking and asked him where he came from. "I come from Chatsworth" Ranjeet replied and quickly added "Nothing much comes from there except musicians and prostitutes." To which the boss said: "Oh really? My wife comes from Chatsworth". The quick response from Ranjeet was: "Is that so? What instrument does she play?" * Link: http://jokes4all.net/boss-jokes?p=5


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Sober Like a Judge ? * Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning." * Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/clean-jokes/30


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Why so Early ? * One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'" * Link: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/family-jokes


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Brass Antiques * A man is browsing an antique shop when he sees a striking brass rat. He ask the owner how much. He says, "$100, but you can't return it! It's been returned twice and I don't want to see it again." The man pays the money and walks to his car. He sees a rat scurry under his foot. As he drives along, he notices a few more rats scurrying along behind his car. As he continues, he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees more and more rats following after him. He floors it and the rats begin to catch up, getting more and more numerous. Finally, he drives over a bridge and throws the brass rat over the side, watching as the army of rats follow the statue into the churning river below. The man drives back to the antique shop. The owner sees him enter and says, "I told you, no returns on that brass rat!" The man says to the owner, "No, no, I don't want to return it. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer?" * Link: from Nick O, http://jokes4all.net/army-jokes?p=3


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Want to be healed? * Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension." * Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/hunt003.html


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Smart Dog * A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key." * Link: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Package#ixzz4y7SKIS7V


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Bad Handwriting * Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I’m sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?" * https://www.rd.com/joke/chicken-scratch-joke-2/


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Facebook Time * Facebook and Formspring are two of the many social-networking sites that allow users to embarrass themselves in front of millions of friends and strangers, like these people did. LARRY: Happy Valentine’s Day to All, especially Wendy, Heather, Lindsey, Ellen, Valerie, Isabel, and all the other wonderful women I adore. JENNIFER: You forgot your wife. * Link: https://www.rd.com/joke/facebook-time-joke/


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The Telephone Call * I was preparing lunch for my granddaughter when the phone rang. “If you can answer one question,” a young man said, “you’ll win ten free dance lessons.” Before I could tell him I was not interested, he continued. “You’ll be a lucky winner if you can tell me what Alexander Graham Bell invented.” “I don’t know,” I replied dryly, trying to discourage him. “What are you holding in your hand right now?” he asked excitedly. “A bologna sandwich.” “Congratulations!” he shrieked. “And for having such a great sense of humor…” * Link: https://www.rd.com/joke/the-telephone-call-joke/


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Ploughing the land ? A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole." Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/farm018.html


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Tip the pizza delivery boy * A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." * Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/pizza.html


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LOL * "I’ll miss you, Great-Grandma," wrote my mother’s great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq. "I’ll miss you too, dear," she responded. "Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma." Poor Mom didn’t realize that LOL doesn’t stand for "lots of love." * Link: https://www.rd.com/joke/lots-of-love-joke/


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Simple Directions * Playing around with my new iTouch, I decided to get directions to my son’s base from my home in Maryland. So I typed "Wahiawa, Hawaii." I got turn-by-turn directions until I hit the coast. Then I was told, "Kayak across the Pacific Ocean entering Hawaii." * https://www.rd.com/joke/simple-directions-joke-2/


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Following Directions * A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, “Beep.” He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. “Hi,” it said. “I’m not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message.” * Link: https://www.rd.com/joke/following-directions-joke/


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Mixed up Nursery Rhyme; Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic. The computer recorded:...[Show All]...[Show All] "Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow." Links: https://www.rd.com/joke/mixed-up-nursery-rhyme-joke/ and http://www.newenglandhistoricalsociety.com/mary-little-lamb-yes-mary-little-lamb/ [Show Less] [Show Less]


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Consulting the Experts * The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. So I called IT. "Can someone look at my computer?" I asked. "The hard drive crashed." "We can’t just send people down on your say-so," said the specialist. "How do you know that’s the problem?" "A student told me." "We’ll send someone right over." * Link: https://www.rd.com/joke/consulting-the-experts-joke/


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What would you do with a talking frog? * The Talking Frog * An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!" He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again. "Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride." The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!" He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." *** Link: https://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/21/The-Talking-Frog


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Catching the fish * Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight." * Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/hunt023.html


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Lacking all religion * A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days." * Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/farm009.html


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Soldier Stands Guard * A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" * Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/war031.html


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First Grade Learns Animal Names - * One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. - The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good, Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hand. - "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good, Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand. - "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint: it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is! It's a ** **." --- * Link: http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/school1.html#old_fashioned_catholic_discipline


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A Smart or a Crazy Answer? * The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army. After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition." The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist. *** Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/war059.html


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Giving very odd excuses * The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." * Link: http://www.ahajokes.com/war003.html


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JC Biology Class Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." Link: http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/school1.html#old_fashioned_catholic_discipline


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